So as most of you know by now, I was stabbed in a mugging on Monday
night. Lots of people want to know the story, so here it is as fully as
I feel like telling on the internet:
I was out for a late night, clear-my-head walk Monday night / Tuesday
morning. I was approached by two guys, but I thought nothing of it
since one of the two wasn't more than 15. As I got closer, the older
one pulled a knife on me and demanded my wallet. I didn't have it on
me, but I offered up the medication that I had on me at the time. I was
shaking pretty badly, and maybe he mistook that for me flinging the
medication at him or trying to hit him, but he stabbed me as I got the
meds out.
The younger one said they should get out of there, and they took off. I
was in shock for a bit, but eventually realized I had my cell phone on
me (I'm glad I didn't think to try and give that to them) and I called
911. The police got there within five minutes and were quite impressed
that I had the sense to not to pull out the knife. The truth was, I
didn't have the mental acuity to do anything more than call 911. Even
then, I messed up the location. Good thing my phone had GPS (thanks,
Big Brother!).
An ambulance came, hooked up a couple of IVs, pumped some morphine, and
I was on my way to the ER, sirens and all. Once I got to the ER, there
was a whole surgical team waiting for me. I stayed conscious until they
managed to knock me out with anesthetic. I was conscious enough to
realize that the ER person who took my information was either really
freaked out by me coming in there, or he was a complete idiot. "What's
your name?" "Isackson... I-S-A-C-K-S-O-N." "Ok, S-C-K-S-S-O-N." "No,
ISACKSON."
Anyways, they cut off my shirt, got enough information out of me (name,
allergies, emergency contact), and knocked me out. When I came to, my
parents and Alison were there. Then I was out again until later that
day. When I came to again, I got the good news that the knife had
missed all major arteries and organs. The surgeons had to cut me open
to check my intestines manually for perforations... it's an odd
sensation to think that my insides have seen the outside of my body. So
now I'll have two scars: one from the knife, the other from the
surgery. They left the knife wound open, they just cauterized it...
which I thought was weird. The surgical cut they closed with twenty
staples.
My recovery has been slow, but faster than I would have expected.
Tuesday I could barely get out of bed. Wednesday it was possible, but
painful. But by now I've mastered the six-step technique (don't ask),
and I've been able to get out of bed successfully since Thursday.
Friday was my first day to walk over a hundred meters. Today I've been
pretty well up and about. Things still hurt, but it gets better every
day.
Now I'm out of the hospital, and taking care of myself... with the help
of Alison and my mommy. I've appreciated everybody's support, and
appreciate messages and phone calls from all my buds. And if you really
want to see the icky scars and whatnot, let me know, my mom took
pictures and I can send it to you. Or better yet, you can come visit me.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's front foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as
gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant
turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The Elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right
up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
You must spend the entire day in costume and character. The only rule is that you cannot actually tell anyone that you are a time traveler. Other than that, anything's game.
- Greet people by referring to things that don't yet exist or
haven't existed for a long time. Example: "Have you penetrated the
atmosphere lately?" "What spectrum will today's broadcast be in?" and
"Your king must be a kindly soul!"
- Show extreme ignorance in operating regular technology. Pay
phones should be a complete mystery (try placing the receiver in odd
places). Chuckle knowingly at cell phones.
2) Dystopian Future
- This one offers a little more flexibility. It can be any kind of
future from Terminator to Freejack. The important thing to remember is dress like a crazy person with armor.
Black spray painted football pads, high tech visors, torn up
trenchcoats and maybe even some dirt here or there. Remember, dystopian
future travelers are very startled that they've gone back in time. Some
starters:
- If you go the "prisoner who's escaped the future" try shaving
your head and putting a barcode on the back of your neck. Then stagger
around and stare at the sky, as if you've never seen it before.
- Walk up to random people and say "WHAT YEAR IS THIS?" and when
they tell you, get quiet and then say "Then there's still time!" and
run off.
- Stand in front of a statue (any statue, really), fall to your knees, and yell "NOOOOOOOOO"
- Stare at newspaper headlines and look astonished.
- Take some trinket with you (it can be anything really), hand it
to some stranger, along with a phone number and say "In thirty years
dial this number. You'll know what to do after that." Then slip away.
3) The Past
- This one is more for beginners. Basically dress in period clothing
(preferably Victorian era) and stagger around amazed at everything.
Since the culture's set in place already, you have more of a template
to work off of. Some pointers:
- Airplanes are terrifying. Also, carry on conversations with televisions for a while.
- Discover and become obsessed with one trivial aspect of
technology, like automatic grocery doors. Stay there for hours playing
with it.
- Be generally terrified of people who are dressed immodestly
compared to your era. Tattoos and shorts on women are especially scary.
And that's it. Remember, the only real rule is staying in character and try to fit in.
Never directly admit you're a time traveler, and make really, really
bad attempts at keeping a low profile. Naturally, the dystopian future
has a little more leeway.
If you're in the greater Minneapolis Metro area, you should swing by my place, where the piratiest party in weeks will be held. Remember, International Talk Like A Pirate Day is September 19th, and it is your duty as Americans (or whatever country you may be from) to celebrate justly.
